(In My Backyard)
Hi, God! I finished Brennan Manning’s Ruthless Trust today. This book has been a huge blessing to me – both encouraging and intensely challenging. In chapter 10, Manning talks about how God can use broken people (and we are all broken) to fulfill His mission… how His love for us is unconditional and constant, through our most triumphant moments and our darkest days.
"Israel Schwartz was sad because he wasn’t like Moses. One night, an angel appeared to him and said, 'On Judgment Day, Yahweh will not ask you why you were not Moses; he will ask you why you were not his beloved Izzy.'
"From infancy, we are taught to compare ourselves to others in terms of intelligence, talent, charisma, and physical appearance. Infants appear in television commercials, beauty pageants are held for six-year-olds, IQ tests are administered in third grade, and Little League mania rules many a home. SAT scores, class rankings, and success in the stock market – along with competitions and rivalries in every arena of life – compel us to measure our worth, for better or worse, on a scale that does not exist in the mind of God. The slightest crack is unacceptable, inducing a deepening sense of inferiority." (1)
I confess to You, God, that much of my perception of where I stand with You is measured by my rating of my performance. I worry that I am not doing as much as I should for You – that I am not working as hard as I should for You. I also confess that much of my perception of where I stand with You is measured by my comparison of myself with others. I worry that I’m not reading as much as Christian X, that I’m not praying as much as Christian Y, and that I’m not serving or giving as much as Christian Z.
God, help me to break free from these chains I have clamped around my own ankles, and to run and dance freely for You, as “Your own beloved Mitch”. Help me to firmly grasp the concept that it pleases You when I do what You built me to do, and live a life that syncs up with the way You designed me. I don’t need to compare myself to others to measure my performance. In fact, the only standard for measurement that I have to evaluate myself is this question: “Am I using the gifts, abilities, characteristics, and personality traits You gave me to help others and to tell them about You?”
In a way, I believe the “game of life” is more a golf game than a tennis match. In tennis, you are locked in a one-on-one struggle against an opponent – talent vs. talent, stamina vs. stamina, strategy vs. strategy. You are competing against your opponent, sizing up your abilities against theirs… and if you come up short, you lose. In golf however, while you do compete against others in matches sometimes, there is another level of competition going on, as well (even when you are playing alone!). I am grateful that my dad taught me how to play golf at an early age – and I can still remember him saying that in golf, you are only competing against yourself. Why? Because golf is a game of self-evaluation, self-adjustment, and self-control.
“Can I learn from previous mistakes on the putting green and shave off a stroke (or two) by making better judgment calls when lining up my putts?”
“Can I learn my own tendencies and acknowledge the flaws in my swing, and then adjust to make them work to my advantage, instead of letting them destroy my game?”
“Can I graciously and eagerly accept and apply constructive suggestions from trusted friends and knowledgeable professionals who identify certain areas of my game where some adjustments and discipline would improve my score?”
The game of golf constantly forces us into self-evaluation and self-adjustment; a process that must occur if we hope to succeed, rather than repeat the same dismal mistakes over and over. And, as it is in the game of life, we will enjoy the round of golf a little more if we learn to laugh at ourselves, find pleasure in our little victories, and learn from our fellow golfers rather than compare ourselves to them.
God, I want to “be all I can be” (as the U.S. Army slogan used to say) – all that You designed me to be. I don’t need to worry about what gifts you did or didn’t give to the person next to me – they are just as responsible and accountable to You for their gifts as I am for mine. You designed and created me (I am Your “handicraft”… and You are pleased with me.
Deep inside me, as I write these words, I feel my spirit heave a deep sigh of relief! You love me for who I am… what I am… where I am… right now. God, help me to live in the “now”, not in the “was” or in the “will-be”.
All we can do about the “was” is learn from it and grow because of it. After all, You even take our past mistakes and make good things happen because of them. I am encourages by what Manning says about the sins of our past. He first quotes St. Augustine, and then adds another insight:
“'All things work together for the good of those who love God, even our sins.' A key promise made by alcoholics recovering with the help of A.A. reads 'No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.'” (2)
Thank You, God, for a miracle no less spectacular than water to wine – taking the dung from the worst moments of my past and using it to fertilize and enrich the flowers of my present and future spiritual experience. The depth of Your mercy and Your love amazes me.
All we can do about the “will-be” is entrust it to You. (I started to write here that we could “prepare for it” – but we really can’t, can we? We can guess, postulate, theorize, and project… but we can’t predict, so we can’t really adequately prepare.) We must simply trust that the faithful God of our “was” and the active God of our “now” will be the dependable God of our “will-be”, as well. I do not know what paths I will have to walk in the future, O God, but I do know I will not walk them alone. I know You will be there as much as You are here right now… and that helps me walk with confidence… with faith and hope. And as Manning says, “faith + hope = TRUST”.
I will trust You God in the “now”, no matter what. I will trust Your wisdom, Your timing, and Your process for me. You have been amazing, You are amazing, and You will be amazing. You are God, and I praise You now… right now.
ENDNOTES:
1. Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust: The Ragamuffin’s Path to God (New York: HarperCollins, 2002 [2000]), 141-142.
2. Manning, Ruthless Trust: The Ragamuffin’s Path to God, 146.
